The Real Saruman
by Nob
Summary: This is a parody to Eminem's the Real Slim Shady, sung by Saruman to his troops.


The Real Saruman Disclamier: No........just.......no.......... A/N: Well here you go.  
  
**Saruman walks out onto balcony of Orthanc to adress the troops.**  
  
May I have your attention please?  
  
May I have your attention please?  
  
Will the real Saruman please stand up?  
  
I repeat, will the real Saruman please stand up?  
  
We're gonna have a problem here.. Y'all act like you never seen the white hand before  
  
Jaws all on the floor like Sam, and Frodo just burst in the door  
  
and Sam started flirting worse than before  
  
they first were just 'friends', throwin' Gollum into Mt. Doom (Ahh!)  
  
It's the Return of the King... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,  
  
he didn't just come back with that elf did he?"  
  
And Gandalf said... Fly you idiots! Well, Gandalf's dead, he fell off a bridge (Ha-ha!)  
  
All the fan girls love love that friggin wood elf {*vocal turntable:  
  
chigga chigga chigga*} "Legolas, I'm sick of him  
  
Look at him, walkin around shooting that elven bow killin my Orcs  
  
Flippin his stupid hair," "Yeah, but he's so cute though!"  
  
Yeah, I probably just let a couple of Wargs loose  
  
Think about it I'm wearing a dress and I've grown out my finger nails What else can I do?  
  
Sometimes, I wanna get off the palintir and just let loose, but can't  
  
but it's cool for Frodo to look at Sams...well you know  
  
"My Orcs are on the loose angering the masses and burning the villages down"  
  
And if I'm lucky, I might just get some land  
  
I've had my eye on a place called Rohan  
  
Except I've gotta get that old man outta my way  
  
Thats where Wormtounge crawls in to save the day  
  
By that time that stupid grey fools already white.  
  
So I'll send my Uruk-Hai  
  
They ain't nothing but mammals.. Well, some of them are cannibals  
  
who cut other peoples heads open like cantaloupes {*SLURP*}  
  
But if we kill those friggin idiots at Helms Deep  
  
then there's no reason that we shouldn't play for keeps {*YEAH!!*} But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote  
  
guys wave your trash can swords, sing the chorus and it goes Chorus: I'm Saruman, yes the real Saruman  
  
All you other fools in white are just imitating  
  
So won't the real Saruman please stand up,  
  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
**Saruman**  
  
Gandalf don't gotta cuss in his speech to rally his troops;  
  
well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too!  
  
You think I give a damn about your color? Well, I do!  
  
Half of the Fellowship can't even stomach me, let alone stand me  
  
"But Saruman, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"  
  
Why? So you guys could just kill to stop me from getting here?  
  
So you can, send my head to the Dark Lord as a joke?  
  
Shit, he give me something better to do than put me next to him  
  
so I can sit and bask in his glory  
  
and hear 'em gripe over where that stupid ring went  
  
You little hobbit, put me in my tower  
  
I'll show you who has the real power  
  
I should go and enrage the masses  
  
and show the whole world how I can burn and pillage that your stupid little village {*AHHH!*}  
  
I'm sick of you little fellowship groups, all you do is annoy me  
  
so I have been sent here to destroy you {*bzzzt*}  
  
And there's a million more Orcs that I can send to kill you  
  
who obey me; who just don't give a fuck like me  
  
who burn like me; walk, talk and act like me  
  
and just might be the next best thing but not quite me! Chorus: I'm Saruman, yes the real Saruman  
  
All you other fools in white are just imitating  
  
So won't the real Saruman please stand up,  
  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
**Saruman finally wraps up his speech**  
  
I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only givin you  
  
things you like to here before you go to war  
  
The only difference is I got the power to say it  
  
in front of y'all and you gotta listen to me when I say it  
  
I just walk on my balcony and spit it  
  
and whether you like to admit it {*ERR*} I just say it  
  
better than ninety percent of you other leaders out there can  
  
Then you wonder how can other Orcs win with all that other goodie-two-shoes crap It's funny; cause at the rate I'm goin when I'm 20 thousand  
  
I'll be the only person in the world who still can lead  
  
With the exception of the Dark Lord who I refer to on bended knee  
  
And I'm trying but this love and peace just aint workin  
  
And every single person is a Saruman lurkin  
  
He could be workin at a tavern, spittin in your cup of ale  
  
{*HACH*} Or in the town square, circling  
  
Screaming "I just don't give a fuck!"  
  
with his staff held out and his voice raised loud So, will the real Saruman please stand up? And hold one of those staffs up for the masses?  
  
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control  
  
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go? Chorus: I'm Saruman, yes the real Saruman  
  
All you other fools in white are just imitating  
  
So won't the real Saruman please stand up,  
  
please stand up, please stand up? **Saruman walks bak into the tower**  
  
Ha ha  
  
Guess there's a Saruman in all of us  
  
Fuck it, let's all stand up 


End file.
